many of you have been asking questions lately about dating and courtship and what that might look like biblically.  i wrote a post a couple of years ago to address this very thing and due to all the resurgence of questions i am posting it here.  let it be said:  the course and purpose of a relationship between a man and a woman that honors the Lord looks markedly different from one of the world.

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[from april 4, 2009]
so very thankful for my pastor’s wife today.

i love it when the Lord brings people into your life that encourage you and spur you on to further boldness… and even more so, to greater expectations.

this wednesday i got to spend some much-needed time with d. (my pastor’s wife).  recently here (on this blog) i wrote about a particular relational situation i am in that is quite perplexing… something i don’t really know what to make of.  well lately (these past few days) it has been quite heavy upon my heart so, in the spirit of seeking wise counsel, i began to pray about who the Lord would have me speak to about these things (this really odd situation).  immediately He brought d. to my mind.  so, praying that she would be available, i called her.

::breathed-out sigh of relief::

i praise God for His providence… d. was available and soon i was sitting across from her on a big comfy couch sharing and opening my heart.

i told her of the situation and eventually the conversation came to settle on courtship and marriage and, in a manner of speaking, thinking through the “silhouette” of the person you hope to marry…

[a brief note on the “silhouette” concept:  this is terminology i picked up on from my pastor in durham, nc during his sermon series on the book of Song of Solomon.  he drew heavily from Tommy Nelson’s book The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex and Intimacy.  in his sermon series my pastor spoke of thinking through the “silhouette” of what you hope the man/woman you will marry will be like.  in this case that would mean thinking through what you hope would be true of their walk with the Lord, their character, their heart, their personality, etc.]

during our conversation we talked of the idea of courtship within community (can i get an “AMEN!” and a “PRAISE GOD!”).  in the midst of all of this, a concept surfaced that has been (since He found me) a magnificent but unrealized dream… something i always desired but couldn’t quite put into words… couldn’t quite think of what it would look like in a concrete way…

d., for me, brought this particular concept–an aspect of what courtship within community could be like (and hopefully is like) as marriage is considered–into an actual, understandable, concrete framework.  she talked about what it could really look like for the Body of Christ to come alongside you in a relationship leading toward marriage.

ok seriously, this is beautiful, so prepare yourself.

often my friends and i talk about the idea of “asking the hard questions” of one another.  i wholeheartedly believe this (asking the hard questions) is necessary in working toward transformational community.   asking the hard questions or asking the real questions is part of what moves a ragtag group of semi-strangers toward becoming and being a true family of Christ-followers that genuinely love, serve, and care for one another as they walk through life glorifying God, rejoicing and grieving together in the struggles and triumphs.  HOLLER (meaning an emphatic “YES!”).

along these lines, d. talked about coming to a place of working through whether or not a particular man (or perhaps in your case, woman) is someone you would walk toward marriage with and what it might look like, concretely, to be in that place communally.  here’s where things got crazy (read: amazing and beautiful because it brought forth ideas and hopes that i have previously been unable to put into words).  d. said that it could look like this:  some of your brothers and sisters in Christ (older and wiser and in beautiful marriages) coming alongside you by asking this man (or again, perhaps in your case, this woman) the “hard questions” on your behalf.

now, what this doesn’t look like is locking your potential spouse in a small, dimly lit room and attaching them to a lie detector while a mysteriously shrouded or excruciatingly intimidating man in a power suit bangs their fists on a shoddy table and gutturally screams, “WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE, YOU LOW-LIFE SCUM?!?!”

now, what this can look like is relationship played out within the context of community… or to put it even more simply, relationship within the context of relationships.  that means inviting this man or woman into your life, and thus, into your community… having your brothers and sisters in Christ come alongside you in walking through this relationship… having them know and live alongside this man or woman just as much as you do.  observing and becoming familiar with, together (you and your community), this person’s character and the outflow of their heart.  having your brothers and sisters in Christ (those older-and-wiser-and-in-beautiful-marriages ones i mentioned earlier) ask this person the hard questions within the context of their relationship with him/her (because since they have been walking alongside you both the whole time they have a relationship with him/her too).

as to this particular aspect–the “asking the hard questions” part–d. kind of painted this picture of an older, wiser, and wonderfully married couple (a couple that you know very well who also knows you very well and has been walking alongside you both for a while hopefully) sitting down with your potential spouse in a comfortable environment of couches and hot tea, walking through the questions with him/her.  soon after, you would sit down with this same couple and they would share your potential spouse’s answers with you and begin to very intentionally evaluate and pray through these things with you.  she brought it down to reality very well, pointing out that if this person truly has intentions of moving toward marriage with you and truly is ready for the covenant of marriage and ready to embrace, and embrace well, all that it is to be husband and wife as the Lord desires and intends, they should be more than willing to walk through these things.  HOLLER (again meaning an emphatic “YES!”).

and again, as i mentioned, these are all things i have been thinking through for the past few years but i couldn’t quite put my finger on what the practical outworking of these things might be… what the practical steps of this kind of thing might look like.  so i am rejoicing mightily that He blessed me with an afternoon with d.

but what about these questions?  what kinds of questions are the hard questions that need to be asked?  well d. talked with me about that too.  she pointed me toward J. Oswald Sanders’ book Spiritual Leadership.  at first i thought i had never heard of it, but then this morning as i was perusing my bookshelves i realized that i actually havethis book… bought it in december and totally forgot about it.

so from Sanders’ book and from my conversation with d., here are some of those good “hard questions.”  none of this is intended to say that choosing a spouse should simply be some formulaic process (because it isn’t), but these are just a few of the questions (taken straight from Sanders’ book) that we might consider asking both our potential spouses and ourselves:

1. how do you identify and deal with bad habits?  to lead others, you must master your appetites.
2. how well do you maintain self-control when things go wrong?  the leader who loses control under adversity forfeits respect and influence.  a leader must be calm in crises and resilient in disappointment.
3. to what degree do you think independently?  a leader must use the best ideas of others to make decisions.  a leader cannot wait for others to make up his or her mind.
4. how well can you handle criticism?  when have you profited from it?  the humble person can learn from petty criticism, even malicious criticism.
5. can you turn disappointment into creative new opportunity?  what three actions could you take facing any disappointment?
6. do you readily gain the cooperation of others and win their respect and confidence?  genuine leadership doesn’t have to manipulate or pressure others.
7. can you exert discipline without making a power play?  are your corrections or rebukes clear without being destructive?  true leadership in an internal quality of the spirit and needs no show of external force.
8. in what situations have you been a peacemaker?  a leader must be able to reconcile with opponents and make peace where arguments have created hostility.
9. do people trust you with difficult and delicate matters?  your answer should include examples.
10. can you induce people to do happily some legitimate thing that they would not normally wish to do?  leaders know how to make others feel valued.
11. can you accept opposition to your viewpoint or decision without taking offense?  leaders always face opposition.
12. can you make and keep friends?  your circle of loyal friends is an index of your leadership potential.
13. do you depend on the praise of others to keep you going?  can you hold steady in the face of disapproval and even temporary loss of confidence?
14. are you at ease in the presence of strangers?  do you get nervous in the office of your superior?  a leader knows how to exercise and accept authority.
15. are people who report to you generally at ease?  a leader should be sympathetic and friendly.
16. are you interested in people?  all types?  all races?  no prejudice?
17. are you tactful?  can you anticipate how your words will affect a person?  genuine leaders think before speaking.
18. is your will strong and steady?  leaders cannot vacillate, cannot drift with the wind.  leaders know there’s a difference between conviction and stubbornness.
19. can you forgive?  or do you nurse resentments and harbor ill-feelings toward those who have injured you?
20. are you reasonably optimistic?  pessimism and leadership do not mix.  leaders are positively visionary.
21. have you identified a master passion such as that of paul, who said, “this one thing i do!”  such singleness of motive will focus your energies and powers on the desired objective.  leaders need a strong focus.
22. how do you respond to new responsibility?
23. do other peoples’ failures annoy or challenge you?
24. do you “use” people, or cultivate people?
25. do you direct people, or develop people?
26. do you criticize or encourage?
27. do you shun or seek the person with a special need or problem?