Hey sweet friends, I apologize for not posting lately.  It has been a busy couple weeks and this week is no exception but then, Lord willing, things will calm down a bit and we’ll establish more of a rhythm.  Until then, in lieu of my own post this week I stumbled upon something that I wanted to share with you.  It’s a resource about Biblical Dating!  Many of you have been asking lately, “What does it look like to date in a way that honors the Lord?”  Well here is the best answer I have come across.  It is very much what I pray for us all sweet sisters.  Be aware: this is sure to rattle some cages because the world would call this view extremist…

The following is a resource from Mountain View Community Church in Ft. Collins, CO.

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Dating with Integrity

Laying a foundation for a successful marriage

In each person’s life, there are many key decisions that have significant impact on the rest of their life.  The greatest decision any person is faced with is:  Who am I living for?  Will it be Christ or yourself?  (Gal. 2:20, 2 Cor. 5:14,15)  The answer to that question will then impact every area of your life.  For the person who has given their life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, arguably one of the next big decisions is:  Who will I marry?  Or Will I Marry?  Who you marry can greatly impact your ability to live a life that is passionate for Christ.  As a result, this area of your life should be approached with all soberness, discernment and wisdom.  We should desire to navigate the waters of dating in a way that enables us to walk in a manner worthy of the Gospel of Christ (Phil. 1:27, Col. 1:10).

There are a lot of opinions out there on dating.   May God lead and direct you as you seek to honor Him with this area of your life. The purpose of this paper is to highlight some of the Biblical Principles most pertinent to this topic and provide suggested application of those principles from the shepherds of Mountain View Community Church.

Key principles and suggestions:

DON’T Date until you know what you are living for:  The purpose of marriage is to bring two people together and make them one flesh — to live out their purpose in life together.  (Gen. 2:24)  God brought Eve to Adam to be his suitable (complimentary) helper (Gen. 2:18).  Therefore, it is a dynamic partnership where two individuals can better live out their purpose in life together “as a gift from God” rather than alone.  For a true believer in Christ, their purpose is not to just live a good moral Christian life; instead it is to “live for Christ” (Gal. 2:20, 2 Cor. 5:14,15, Luke 9:23).  Living for Christencompasses every area of life from what you do with your time, money, energy, to the way you raise your kids and the way you relate to those around you– really every aspect of your life.  Until a person knows what they are living for, how can they try to find a “partner”?  A person needs to know what they are living for before they can find a partner in life.  This will be the constant that will not change as the two people in the marriage change over the years.  This will be the foundation that everything else is built on.  Therefore, it is inconceivable for a genuine believer in Christ, who is no longer living for themselves but for Christ to date someone who is not a passionate believer in Christ.  2 Cor. 6:14 states “Do not be bound (lit. unequally yoked) with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawless, or what fellowship has light with darkness?”  In dealing with marriage specifically, Paul addresses when a widow is to remarry, he states “only in the Lord” – 1 Cor. 7:39 – assuming a believer only marries someone else who is in the Lord!  Therefore, if the result of dating is to find a partner in life, it is unwise to date someone who is not living for the same purpose.

 

DON’T Date until you are ready to be married:  The idea of getting romantically involved with someone when you are not ready to be married dishonors God.  When you begin going down the road of developing a relationship with someone, but are not ready to take it to its logical end, you risk a lot of painful consequences.  Many people date to try to fill the void of loneliness in their heart.  They use “dating” as a way to meet a perceived need.  A governing principle of Scripture is that we are to “do nothing from selfishness of empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself, do not merely look out for your personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”  (Phil. 2:3-4)  You may want to “just date” to have fun or spend time socializing, but you need to consider the interests of others as more important than your own.  You risk great harm to yourself and the other person regardless of your expectations or intentions, when you “just date to date”.  God has designed us to be committed to one person for a lifetime. When you become emotionally involved and then crushed when relationships ends, you can hurt the foundation you are trying to lay for marriage.  More people have been hurt by dating without having the end in mind because they are not ready for marriage.  Do not risk your own heart or another’s until you are at the point in your life where you are ready to pursue marriage.

DON’T Date  to get to know a person:  Romans 12:2 “do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect”.  We all want God’s perfect will for our lives – you cannot improve upon that.  Paul tells us where that will come from – the transforming of our minds (Rm. 12:2) as we take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).  Therefore, our dating “practices” should not be taken from the world (which conforms us), but from God and His word (which transforms us.)  This should be radical, different, and against the flow of the world.  The world looks at dating as a way to get to know someone, as a way to have fun, a way to get your desires fulfilled.  This is not what the Bible teaches.  We must distance ourselves from this thought process, and really seek God on how and why to date.  Many individuals use dating as a way to get to know someone, to see who they really are and to access their character.  We believe this is very foolish and will lead to a lot of heartache and pain.  Typically, what happens in dating relationships is this:  there is interest in another person, leading to emotional and romantic involvement.  These triggers of romance make it very hard to see a person’s true character.  It is very easy to “fall in love” with the idea of what you want the person to be rather than who they truly are.  The truth will eventually come out and the two break up, leaving a mess of emotional baggage and heartache behind.  We believe this pattern of dating prepares a person more for divorce than for marriage.  Often  people will “fall in love” (or more properly “be infatuated”) with each other and even get married based on these “feelings.”  This leads to a lot of heartache in marriage. There is not a strong foundation for that love, because the relationship is not built upon the character of the individual and their relationship with the Lord but is based all on feelings that change.

 

So what do you do until you are ready to marry or until God brings that person to you? 

 

Our timing is not God’s timing.  We often have to wait for God’s best and/or put off the immediate substitutes to receive His best.  While you are waiting upon the Lord – use your singleness as a gift from the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) and be fully devoted to the Lord.  Use your singleness to pour your life into ministering to others.  Take all the bottled up desire and passion for marriage and channel it into serving God with all your heart and leave a legacy in the lives of others.  Here are a few suggestions for using your singleness for the Lord:

• Invest your life into serving others and help them to grow in their love relationship with Jesus.   Leave a legacy! (Matthew 28:18-10, 2 Corinthians 5:18-21, Colossians 1:28-29)
• Focus on being the right person, not just finding the right person.  Let God lay a strong foundation in your life and character – focus on being fully content in Him  so that if God has a relationship in your future you can be a blessing – giving and not just taking.  True joy is going to be found in the presence of God, not in a relationship.  (Philippians 4:11, 1 Corinthians 9:27, Psalms 65:4, Psalms 16:11)
• Spend time laying a Biblical framework in your mind of what marriage is all about.  Study God’s design for marriage in His word, sit through marriage classes at church, and spend time with married couples in the church who can model a godly marriage for you.  (Gen. 2:18-25, Eph. 5:22-33, Col. 3:18-19, 1 Pet. 3:1-7)
• Trust God in His timing and will for your life!  (Ps. 37:3-5, Prov. 3:5)
• Learn life skills of being teachable, discipling others, working hard, being responsible, being hospitable, and working with children. (Titus 2, Mt. 28:18-20, Prov. 9:9-10, Prov. 6:6-11).

To Summarize: Before you date someone:

• Be confident in what you are living for
• Know clearly your purpose for dating
• Be ready for marriage
• Have clearly etched in your mind the character qualities you are looking for in a spouse.  Write them down so that every potential person is put through that grid.  This will prevent you from compromising those qualities for an individual based on emotion and not reality.
• Be convinced that you would rather be single the rest of your life than to compromise God’s best for you.
• Get advice from mentors and parents; there is wisdom in much counsel.

BE CAUTIOUS OF A FEW THINGS IN A RELATIONSHIP:

Be Cautious With Your Heart:  Proverbs 4:23 “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life”  We are called to diligently watch over our heart.  One of the greatest desires for many  single persons is to share their life intimately with someone.  Because that desire is so strong, a wise believer must exercise extreme caution in who to give their heart.  Singles, do not put your heart out on the limb until you are confident of that person’s character.  Therefore, do not begin to spend alone time with an individual until you are convinced of their character.  We believe the best way to access a person’s true character is in a group environment.  It is very easy for a person to put on a certain face to impress an individual. However, it is much more difficult to “fool” a whole group.  Singles can help access a person’s character by how they treat all those in a group – guys, girls, and especially, the least of those in the group.  A person can also assess a person’s character by:

• seeing how they respond in trials
• watching how they treat others in the community (i.e. waitress, store clerk, etc.)
• how they pour life into people of the same sex – ministry they have with others!
• what they’re  investing their lives into – time, money, gifts, energy
• how they treat their family and roommates

 

Be cautious of time spent:  Additionally, be careful about your communication.  Keep in mind the time you spend with the opposite sex and how you treat that person compared to others.  Men – it is hard being a woman and being the responder.  If a man is treating a woman different from other girls it tempts her heart and can easily cause confusion as she begins to wonder if she is being pursued or not.  It is often easy for a woman’s heart to take things further than they are.  This can throw a woman into a lot of weird emotions and confusing responses.  Put her interests above your own and help to protect her heart by being aware of what time spent together can communicate to her.  Because woman are responders, time spent together will usually mean more to a woman and may falsely communicate your pursuit of her – be wise!

COMMON QUESTIONS AND SUGGESTIONS

What does that next step look like?

If you want to honor God in your relationship, you will want to be careful to guard your heart.  You want to put other’s interests above your own.  Now, what do you do when you believe you’ve found that person – one whose character is truly biblical?  Pray and wait!!!!  Pray and fast for God’s wisdom, pray for God to search your heart, and pray for Godly counsel.  When you are confident that it is not just emotions, not just infatuation, but the leading of the Lord (i.e. it has been a desire that has remained there for a few months) – step out in a way that reflects God’s design in marriage.

How should God’s design for marriage and roles be fleshed out in a dating relationship?  God gives men and women different roles in marriage.  This has nothing to do with value or worth (Galatians 3:28) but with role and function.  To summarize, the man’s role is to be the leader/initiator and the woman’s role is to be the helper/responder(Genesis 27-3:19, 1 Corinthians 11:3, Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18-19, 1 Peter 3:1-7).  This design should begin to be evident from the very onset of a developing relationship.  Therefore, the man should take the role as the initiator and the woman the role of the responder.  For the woman being the responder, her trust needs to be in the Lord.   She should remember that the God who is big enough to create the world and to redeem sinful hearts is big enough to work in a man’s heart to give him the desire to pursue you.  A wise woman puts herself in situations to get to know godly men in group ministry settings, but is cautious not to manipulate a guy and make herself “too available”.  This is a “turn off” to a guy who is wired to be the initiator.  As God puts it on his heart to initiate a relationship with a girl, here are a few suggestions:

• Give the desire a few months before you act on it to make sure it is true and not just a fickle emotion
• Seek counsel from parents (whether your parents are saved or not) and church leadership before you initiate a relationship.  Talk to a pastor or flock shepherd, also talk to the flock shepherd of the girl.  Seek their input.  (This is one reason why it is important to be involved with a flock).  The shepherds are responsible for being the guardian and protector of your soul and a wise person submits to their leadership (Hebrews 13:17).  It is also good to seek the counsel of other godly people in the church body – seek the counsel of many (Proverbs 15:22)
• Honor your parents (whether your parents are saved or not) by seeking their input before you pursue a relationship.  This would also include seeking the input and blessing of the woman’s father.  (when possible).  (vs. Deuteronomy 5:16, Matthew 15:4, Ephesians 2-3, Colossian 3:20)
• If there is approval and encouragement from input sought from others, initiate a conversation with the girl to explain your heart and intentions.

How should a man initiate conversation?  Once a man has sought a lot of input and counsel from others and has received peace from the Lord, he should step forward by initiating a conversation with her.  He should do this in a safe environment (i.e. public place that is not intimidating) and declare his intent by pursuing time with her.  This is where the man has to trust the Lord for her response.  The Lord has several ways to show you His will in the relationship.  First, by giving the desire to the man to initiate (confirmed by prayer, God’s Word, and counsel).  Secondly, by the approval of godly leadership (family and church leaders).  Finally, by God putting the desire on the woman’s heart to respond to the man’s initiation (also confirmed by prayer, God’s Word, and counsel).  If any of these components are not there, this can be how God shows you His will and you can trust God for that leading.  Often, God will call you to wait until all those components are there – this is good!  Once a guy has initiated a conversation with a girl, it’s best for the woman to seek counsel from others in her life before she responds.

How do you have integrity as you begin to spend time together? If both the man and the woman (as well as leaders in their life) feel it is wise to move forward, it is appropriate for them to begin to spend time together.  The purpose of spending time together is to let the Lord confirm if this is the person you are to marry or not.  This is a process and should be done with wisdom and discernment.  It takes holding back things you may “feel” until you know you can deliver on those things you are communicating.  Be slow and cautious, letting truth of the person’s character and the quality of the time spent be the confirming factors.  Emotions are fickle, so be careful not to throw on a bunch of romance that can cloud the situation and promise more than you can deliver.  The Apostle Paul has a strong warning for us in 1 Thessalonians. 4:3-8,

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; ⁴   that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, ⁵   not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; ⁶   and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. ⁷   For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. ⁸   So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.”

 

The word “defraud” is a business term that means: you’re not able to pay on what you have promised.  The most obvious application of this passage is that a man or woman should not promise something physically to a person until they are able carry it through in marriage.  Therefore, in a relationship, if you are getting a person aroused and cannot pay up on that promise, you have defrauded that individual and the Lord will be the avenger.  The passage says we should be able to control our bodies and not be governed by lust like those who do not know God.  Our relationships should be in stark contrast to the way those without God date and spend time.  There is also a secondary application to this passage.  A person can defraud a person by promising them emotional things that they are unable to pay up on.  An example of this is if a person leads a person’s heart to the point of expecting something, they should be able to fulfill that expectation.  Therefore, a person should never get another’s heart and emotions to a place through romance and promises (directly or implied) that they can’t follow through on.  Our feelings often exceed the truth of where the relationship is, so it is important that each person exercises self-control in what they communicate or imply until they know God has called them to follow through.  This emotional defrauding can cause just as much pain as the physical defrauding.  A good rule of thumb is that you should treat the person as a sister (1 Tim. 5:2) until she is your wife.  You should only relate physically and communicate in a manner that you feel would be appropriate for someone else to do with your wife.  Another practical suggestion is focus the time you are spending together on ministering to others together.  This keeps you from isolating yourselves in your relationship which can lead to “defrauding” one another.  Spending time with other married couples in the church family as well as your own families helps to properly pace this time as well.

How do you stay sexually pure?  The best way to stop a good relationship is to compromise sexual purity.  It is good to go to whatever lengths to keep the relationship pure before the Lord.  The best thing to do is to make “no provision for the flesh” (Romans 13:14) and stay out of any compromising situations.  The flesh is weak and if we give it any opportunity it will eat us alive.  When you are spending time together, be around other believers for accountability and stay in public places.  This will allow you to cultivate the things you need to grow in together without being tempted to be physical.  It is also wise when possible to spend time with each others’ families and with close friends to see how the person acts around others.  Have parents, roommates, or leaders over you help keep you accountable.  It is also important for the man to be the leader in physical purity.  You see this example several times in the Song of Solomon.  Several times in their dating/courting relationship, Solomon put the physical constraints on by telling her “do not arouse or awaken my love until she pleases” (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5).  It is important for the man to lead so that the woman can be the responder which allows for great fulfillment within marital intimacy!

One of the greatest gifts God gives us is a fulfilling marriage!  It is worth it to be very wise and discerning in the way we go about discerning God’s will for us in our spouse.  This process keeps us very humble and dependent on the Lord.  This is one of the greatest, most fulfilling endeavors you will ever partake in so do it well and desire to honor the Lord above all else!  Don’t feel alone, you have a church body at Mountain View that desires to walk through this process with you!

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So what are your thoughts on all this?